I am not able to sleep right now and basically its because this is on my mind. For most of my life I have been doing something I really regret now. I have done it to friends, family and people that try to know me. I have been pushing people away. Sometimes its intentional and sometimes it isn't. But its weird, that saying "be careful what you wish for" is actually stinging me right now. There are some cases where I try to pull people in but i end up pushing away because I don't know any different. As a kid i played by myself and I hated being bugged. I don't know exactly where this subconscious feeling to be alone really came from but that seems to be the youngest i remember. And now that I am far away from my friends its hard to be alone.
Sometimes I can't help but purposely push people away because I am afraid I will end up doing it anyways. I don't know how many people reading this understand that feeling but I am trying my best to explain it. This is something i am extremely uncomfortable with and Maybe finding out some people feel the same way it may help. Being alone is not the best thing, and it doesn't always mean being with a girl but it probably bugs me more I have done it to friends. I have never shared this with anyone though i have never thought about it to its full extent. Some people may think im very open but I actually am not. all that stuff that may seem personal to some are just things I don't care about so I share anyways. I was once a good listener but I am not able to listen anymore to peoples problems. I have kept my real problems to myself for too long and well that could be one of the reasons I push people away. I can keep coming up reasons but I don't think I will truly know until it has gotten to its worst point.
It is hard for someone to grow if they don't have inspiration from people close to them if they keep pushing them away.
Greg, what a powerful sharing this is. Thank you for your openness.
ReplyDeleteYou are most certainly not alone in this. Many people feel this way. We all openly love others freely, because this is our true nature, and when that 'other' can't handle such love, because they have already been hurt or confused, they close up and push away, then this makes us feel ashamed of loving others, like there is something wrong with us, or we should moderate how much we show love and affection to others.
We all went through this with a parent (or two) that didn't seem to be able to love or care for us. We learned that this is what we, then, must do, when others try to love us. It happens to be one of the most common behavioural conditions out there. The guilt comes from knowing, this is not our true nature and that Love is what we actually are and when we stifle our true natures we become out of balance.
Firstly, it's important to forgive yourself as we do what we are conditioned to do by what we grew up with. Then you must forgive the other as they 'know not what they did'. Forgive and let go, don't let hurts of the past attach to you and lower your Light. All those lessons are set up for you to awaken, to begin to ask questions consciously and expand yourself. It is all purposeful.
You are now cresting the end of your teens and the teens are some of the most challenging times of one's life. We get awkward and change so fast during our teen years, we don't know what behaviour is 'right' in order to belong to our peer group and get the affection we so desire. We think we are all 'weird' and 'different' and 'alone' and that this is a problem. Those in so called adult roles are all still hurt little children inside, emotionally reacting to every event...no wonder we feel so insecure in this world run by bruised egomaniacs!
We are all unique indeed, in a very special way that we are all here to discover. Being yourself is all you need to grow and find your own Truth and walk it well. Believe this, make it your mantra, know that your mind and heart are so powerful, you can break free of any false belief or conditioned chain and re-member your Divine Self who is of the One Mind, never EVER alone, yet always walking this particular journey with his own solitary experience which is to be cherished.
And Greg, you can come to visit us anytime you want. You can come cook dinner with us if you like, during any weeknight.
Lots of Love,
Amandha